november first. we meet once again.

old time favorites

november first.

november first is a breath of fresh air. november first is a new beginning, halloween night is over but we still reminisce in the joys of overeating the leftover candy or putting it in a bowl to grab on the go. november first you wake up and it just feels like fall. november first means we’re less than a month away from thanksgiving, and less than two months away from christmas. november first also means memories for my family.

november first is my late grandpa’s birthday. he would have been 71 years old today. he passed away almost five years ago. it will have been five years in january. the would have been birthdays and would have been anniversaries and would have been excitement and joy and laughter don’t get any easier each year. they come around once a year as a screaming reminder that that person does not exist in our life physically anymore. they are gone.

but they’re not really. their memory still lives on. november first doesn’t get any easier, but it rolls around each year knocking at our door around the same time when we feel a lack. a lack of motivation or spirit. a lack of love. a lack of friendship or even simply a feeling of loneliness that a million smiling faces around us cannot change. it comes back to remind us that this person was special, they were important.

in this blog post I want to talk about this special person, because that’s what they were. special. I don’t want this to be some sappy post about how much we miss people and how sad we can feel because (as cliche as it may sound) that’s not what they would have wanted. on their birthday they want us to celebrate with them despite the distance in between us. while we cannot sing to them in person we can sing to them from our hearts, sharing in their memory and remembering all the special birthday’s we were able to spend with them. that’s the important part.

my most vivid memory of november first was my brother’s football game. it was a tournament. I had spent the previous night out with all my friends trick or treating for about an hour before deciding it was too cold. halloween in the midwest means you decide to wear a costume but your mom makes you wear pants and a long sleeve shirt under it despite how much pleading and begging and telling her that “i promise i won’t be cold mom!” but eventually you end up wearing it anyways and are secretly thankful because wow it really is cold.

my group of friends that year had gone as basic white girls. none of this is relevant to the story but its such a vivid memory and was over five years ago so it must be important. I remember waking up that next morning with a pillowcase full of candy over my shoulder groggily walking to my mom’s car with my best friend kara because we had the football tournament to get to. driving there we told my mom all about the sleepover and how much fun we had watching scary movies and prank calling boys because we thought it was funny. those are the memories we want people remembering about us and we want to hold onto. despite how stupid or small it may be in the moment, everything is important one day.

so we got to the football game. my cousin kelton drove us for some reason because it was cooler to ride with your cousin and go get food than to go with your mom (at the time). we of course got mcdonald’s pancakes and therefore probably ended up missing most of the game but as I always say the last two minutes of any game are the only two that matter to watch. you get the most motivation and spirit magically appear from the players and the outcome of the game without having to listen to everyone get upset about how terrible their team is playing or the announcers for three hours straight.

when we got to the game, kara and i obviously were too focused on our candy to realize anything else. I remember throwing our almond joys at the other football siblings (we all had a mutual friendship of showing up to every practice and game and the only thing we had in common was being football siblings) because we hated them (the almond joys, not the football siblings) and because it was just funny to throw things at them. we sat wrapped up in a blanket with layers of coats eating as much candy as we could while my mom was too engulfed in the game to yell at us. like I said before, november first is the day of eaten most of your leftover candy. we also wanted to eat it so that we wouldn’t have to share with our siblings later on. anyways, we were still throwing almond joys, enjoying ourselves, not watching the game.

but the most important part of this story is what was going on behind us. no, not the game. my grandma and grandpa standing behind us watching the game. they came to everything together, like two peas in a pod. and all i remember from turning around was seeing my grandpa, hands on his hips with the perfect golden hour sun shining down on his light brown puffy coat, dark brown hair that never turned grey no matter what, and light blue jeans. it was like the photograph you take in your mind and think “I am never going to let this go.” it’s the moment when you think that you’re living in a dream for a minute because it’s so pure and warmth consumes your body and a smile mysteriously appears on your face for that split second before your friend nudges you because she found another almond joy or you tune back in to hear your mom ringing her cowbell. but for that one moment you felt ethereal. you saw that this is what eternal life is, this is the image of someone who can never die.

and it’s true. we’re clearly still talking about him five years later, and will continue talking about him for generations. november first gave us the soul of an angel. his memory will always live on no matter what.

a related memory that I thought was important to connect with this was from awhile back. I was little and naive but still had a grand ole perception of the world I was living in. I remember being put to bed one night only to wake up with tears rolling down my face. I went to go find my mom and told her that I had something very important to tell her. the worry in her face brought me straight to sit on the edge of her bed as she held my hands and I continued to cry. I didn’t know what to say other than “I don't want to die. I’m scared.” and I was. I still am. but knowing how we celebrate those around us like my grandpa on his special days makes me less afraid. I have less to fear because I know that I will have done everything I can to be the greatest version of myself so that people will always talk great things about me and will want to continue celebrating with me. who knows, maybe one day a grandchild I clicked with will write a blog post called august twenty sixth in my name.

the most recent and last birthday memory I will share for my grandpa was when we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner. we were probably celebrating my grandpa’s and my two brother’s birthdays because they are all in november. I remember my dad showed up for a split second which was shocking but besides the point nonetheless. we had recently gotten a mini ipad which added a new shock factor from our now boring ipad that was left behind at home. I remember seeing my grandpa’s smile from across the table, it truly lit up a room. I know people say that about different people’s personalities or various features, but his truly did. we took a ton of pictures on that mini ipad that night to remember the fun we had. those are also some of the last pictures we have with him.

the day we found them it was on his birthday. as in, we had forgotten that we had even taken pictures that night until years later and found them hidden on this mini ipad that luke only used to play games. I don’t exactly remember what year it was in but I remember it was on his birthday. for some reason we had been going through pictures probably to find old videos when these pictures popped up. smiling happy pictures. pictures that embodied the joy we felt at that specific time. but on the day we found these pictures we didn’t feel like that. we felt torn down, mistreated. like this was all some sick joke and that it was his birthday that he couldn’t celebrate with us anymore. but it wasn’t. it was reality and that’s okay. we found those pictures to remind ourselves that it’s okay to find happiness on the day’s we feel most sad and alone. that we could still celebrate in sadness because memories are still important even if we don’t have the people in them anymore.

we found those pictures once again with fate. I’m not sure what our family’s deal with pictures and fate is but it’s definitely there. without even asking for a sign, we get one. maybe that’s why I like taking pictures at the most awkward times because you never know what a picture is going to capture. a smile that nobody is ever going to forget? an old friend that we would later reconnect with? an old memory that we will look back on and laugh about? you just never know in that moment so never take it for granted.

also, my other important lesson of today is don’t take any day for granted. and don’t forget to celebrate your birthday. I know a lot of people who either don’t enjoy their birthday or are like my mom and absolutely love it, but regardless of your preference, celebrate. whether that’s buying yourself the new shoes you wanted or grabbing a coffee or driving the long way home to see those trees that you love or hanging out with a close friend or going out for the night. whatever your celebration is, do it. I know i had the worst birthday this year but I celebrated it. I did special things for myself that I usually don’t and didn’t pass up the opportunity. unlike normal holidays that everybody anticipates and begins celebrating at least a month early, our birthdays happen once. personal anticipation happens for sure but nobody else is celebrating or putting up decorations a month before your birthday. you get one day with them so don’t forget to smile and forget about your problems for just one day. even for other people’s birthdays. don’t forget to indulge in celebration with others as well because you also don’t want to pass up that equally rewarding opportunity.

so this year, let your birthday be a reminder. whatever reminder you need let your birthday be that. we are only given a birthday once a year and need to bathe in the fact that we even have a birthday to celebrate and can still put on a happy face to enjoy it because you truly never know when it will be your last. I know that sounds morbid but it’s true. living everyday like it’s your last is important but celebrating your birthday is important too because the people that you love will continue celebrating without you on your birthday and we all want to enjoy those moments with people while we can.

so happy birthday grandpa. I can’t see you or anyone else that would even know it’s your birthday today, but I'll celebrate for you. maybe i’ll get starbucks later or eat a cookie or call grandma to let her know that you’re thinking of her. seventy one is a big year and i hope we all spend it well and make it the best for you. <3

engraved <3